It is unlikely that your child will tell you if he/she is being bullied. By being aware of the warning signs, parents may be alerted to the possibility of bullying occurring.
Is my child being bullied?
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Behavioural problems indicating bullying
Children can feel victimised and afraid, and these feelings can spill over into their relationships with their family, causing rows and aggressive behaviour. Bullying can affect the victim in many ways, however, and the behaviour problems that result are not always so clearly linked to the cause. Any of the following may indicate that a child is being bullied, although there may be other causes:
1. Withdrawal
The bullied child may be quiet and withdrawn to the point of appearing sullen. He/she may find it difficult to do anything positive at all, and spend most of his/her time at home daydreaming or doing nothing. The unhappy child may seek an escape to a fantasy world by watching television or playing computer games where he/she can leave behind their doubts about their own ability to cope.
2. Becoming difficult and argumentative.
The bullied child may have an exaggerated awareness of any unfairness or favouritism within the family, and feel victimised and put upon in circumstances where this is clearly not the case. They may resent any minor criticism or demand on their time out of proportion to the event - a request to tidy their room for example.
3. Aggressive behaviour
All the pent-up anger and frustration felt by the bullied child has to go somewhere, and he may 'act out' his feelings by behaving aggressively towards brothers and sisters. In an attempt to re-establish his/her damaged self-esteem and confidence, the victim may become a bully themselves.
4. Fear of going to school
If the bullying is taking place at school, or on the way there, the bullied child may refuse to go, ask repeatedly to be driven rather than walk or catch the bus, or develop frequent mystery illnesses that necessitate staying at home. Once at school they may report to sick bay with stomach pains or headaches asking to be sent home.
5. Schoolwork problems
Children who are being bullied at school may spend all their time there in a state of fear and apprehension, anticipating the next attack. It isn't possible for them to concentrate or learn effectively under these circumstances and not surprisingly their schoolwork may suffer.
6. Missing possessions
School books may be damaged or lost, and your child may come home hungry having had their lunch taken. Sometimes the victim of bullying will try to placate the bully with presents of toys, sweets or money. He/she may offer implausible excuses for loss or damage to their property: "I lent them to a friend, I can't remember his name" or "I dropped it on the way to school and a car ran over it".
7. Nightmares and disturbed sleep.
The bullied child may have nightmares. They may be obviously very tired, but delay bedtime as long as possible, knowing that their fears will catch up with them while their guard is down.
8. Bed-wetting.
Bed-wetting is a sure sign of anxiety, and bullying is always worth considering as a possible cause.
9. Stealing.
The child who is the victim of a "protection racket" may have to steal to satisfy the bully's demands. They may become involved in criminal activity such as shoplifting, because of threats from other children or the fear of rejection by the group if he doesn't.
10. Injuries
A child who is being bullied physically may have obvious bruises which they will try to explain away.
11. Low self-esteem
The victim of verbal bullying may try desperately to change the attributes that the bullies have picked upon for ridicule, asking for a different style of shoes or clothing, or becoming painfully self-conscious about some aspect of their appearance. Some children deliberately fail in their schoolwork after being called "teacher's pet", others resort to obsessive washing after being called "smelly" or "dirty".
12. Regressing
An unhappy or frightened child may revert to earlier patterns of behaviour, taking several steps backward in their development. Some will become more dependent and start clinging to their mum again. Younger children may literally wet themselves during the day with anxiety, while older children may wet the bed. Thumbsucking, nail-biting, overeating, stammering and habits like chewing clothing or bedding are all signs of anxiety which may be caused or contributed to by bullying.
13. Depression
Children, like adults, can and do become truly depressed. Lethargy, tearfulness, difficulty in concentrating, loss of appetite or compulsive eating and a tendency to overreact to the slightest setback are all symptoms of depression.
How will you know if bullying is at the root of your child's problems?
First, and most importantly, you can encourage your child to talk to you about what is worrying them. This isn't easy at the best of times, and can become more difficult as children get older. Ideally, you will have established a relationship of open communciation with your child long before a crisis arises; you can do this simply by showing an interest in their activities and opinions on a day-to-day basis, and by sharing your own activities and opinions with them. It sounds easy and obvious, but often we are too busy and preoccupied to talk to our children about what is important to them, and this makes it all the harder to do so when it really matters.
How do you talk about bullying with your child?
Bullying is an emotive issue, laden for both parent and child with fears of inadequacy, rejection and failure. This can make it a difficult and embarrassing topic of conversation for both, particularly where older children are concerned.
Parents who have been bullied themselves may feel panic-stricken at the thought of their children suffering as they did, and feel extremely uncomfortable about discussing it with them.
Getting the questions right
One of the main problems may be that you are asking the wrong questions. Many younger and even some older children are really not sure what bullying is, and unless the issue has been discussed at school, home or both, they may not realize that they are being bullied at all, even though they are very upset and anxious about what is happening. Asking "Are you being bullied?" therefore may not elicit any useful response. More general questions about who they played with at school, what they did and how they felt about it are more likely to tell you what you need to know.
"You're going to sit here until you've told me what's wrong" approach doesn't get results and will make it harder for your child to confide in you. Keep things relaxed and casual.
"When I was a girl......." - telling your child stories about real things that happened to you during your own childhood can show that you are capable of understanding their problems and open the way for them to say "and what did you do about it?" or even "that happened to me too!"
Play - use play to talk about painful or difficult experiences with younger children. e.g. dolls or drawing or painting can give children the means to express worries they find hard to talk about, and this in itself can be a therapeutic experience for the bullied child.
Ask other children- sometimes your child finds it too difficult to tell you, so asking the parents of your child's friends can be very productive, or an older brother or sister at the same school.
Approach a teacher - they may be able to shed some light on the situation.
Further Assistance
You can also contact the following organisations for further information and help on bullying. They are free and confidential:
- No Bully
0800 NO BULLY (0800 66 28 55) or visit www.nobully.org.nz - Youthline
(0800) 37 66 33 or email talk@youthline.co.nz - Kidsline
Call 0800 KIDSLINE (0800 543 754) between 4.00pm - 6.00pm Mon - Fri - What's Up
Telephone counselling for 5-18 year olds. Call (0800) 942 8787 - Urge Whakamanawa
Visit www.urge.co.nz
And further resources for parents and schools (costs may apply):
- User Friendly Resources
Visit www.userfr.com - Barnardos FAIR Centre
Call (0800) 222 345 or visit www.faircentre.co.nz
Credit
We acknowledge the following publications:
"Tackling Bullying in your school - A Practical Handbook for Teachers" edited by Sonia Sharp and Peter K. Smith, 1994
"Bullying at School - what we know and what we can do" by Dan Olweus, 1993
"School Bullying - Insights and Perspectives" edited by Peter K. Smith and Sonia Sharp, 1994
"Bullying in Schools - what to do about it" by Ken Rigby, 1996
"The Anti-Bullying Handbook" by Keith Sullivan, 2000
"Helping Children cope with Bullying" by Sarah Lawson, 1994.
This content was last updated March 22, 2010.
